Dear Internet,

Look, I don’t want to be mean here, and I don’t really know you, but I want to help you, I really do.  To show I care, I’ve put together a quick guide for aspiring actor/singer/models who are thinking about moving to or have already moved to, Los Angeles and arrived at my webpage by typing something ridiculous in Google only to end up here. You are looking sexy these days, internet, and I think its time for you to ponder these thoughts:

I don’t know why you want to move to LA, but the majority of people who are attractive and halfway intelligent, have at one point thought of taking a foray into pop culture and are drawn to LA to pursue dreams of being involved in radio, television, or movies.  Despite the innocent dream of being involved and denial of the real reasons for going there, the lifestyle in the heart of pop culture won’t allow you to actually do something other than something related to pop culture.

The reality is most people end up as one of the following:

• Those that make it, and deal with the shit that comes with success. 
• Those that tried to make it, didn’t and went back to the life they had before. 
• Those that didn’t make it and made a similar life close to the one they had before although they still live in LA to be close to the dream. 
• Those that compose the "runoff" of the industry:  agents, has-beens, groupies, and generally anyone trying to get a slice of the entertainment pie…

Finally there are those that make all of these other types possible… the aspiring actor/singer/model.  They are the ones, thru repeated failure, have finely tuned their life into one of the types listed above.  You can tell if you are an "aspiring actor/singer/model" if most of the following applies to you:

• Before moving to LA you said something similar to, "I just want to have fun and LA is fun and there’s beaches, sun, women/men, etc… I would never want to be an actor/singer/model… lol"
• Answered the question "Why do you want to go there?" with "Why wouldn't I want to go there?"
• You were voted "Best Looking" in high school and you have told people since
• You name drop
• You went to parties because of some name that was dropped
• You think the commercial gig you just got is your "big break"
• You take trips and go to places that you heard about on Entertainment Tonight
• You are constantly having the words "we support you" and "you are almost an actor/model/singer" spoken to you by members of your family at family gatherings.  (They have to say that because they know that if they don’t, you will either turn into a depressed alcoholic/cokehead/pothead OR if you actually do make it, they can cash in for supporting you this whole time)

I've composed a list of "friends" that you will compile once you have made your trip to L.A. a reality. If you have some of the following types of friends then you are probably an "aspiring actor/singer/model":

• friends who know they can't be actors/singers/models but want to be near you because of your chances
• "fun people" who used to party with [insert name dropping here] and thats the best thing you can say about them
• people who "know somebody"
• an "actor/singer/model" you just met that starred in this really great pilot that never got picked up, and who today, is shooting an ad for [insert major commercial franchise here], and is taking a trip in 2 weeks to [insert trendy vacation spot here] and who is going to put you in touch with their agent as soon as things settle

Thinking about the type of personality it takes to maintain the illusion of success thru all of the failure associated with being an aspiring actor/singer/model, is mind boggling.  Most people only fail at something a couple times in their life before they try something else, but in acting/singing/modeling, you can make an entire life out of failure if you are smart/dumb enough. Here are some pitfalls to avoid:

• Avoid dating other aspiring actor/singer/models... this may seem good at first since each feels the other understands the lifestyle but in reality neither wants to be the support for the other, both want to be the one that makes it while the other supports them
• Avoid making your social life revolve around parties that aren't thrown by your friends. This prevents you from going to parties where you are standing around star-gazing or doing something desparate to fit in. If you must go to a party that isn't thrown by a friend, take real life friends with you... this does not include "friends" mentioned in the list of friends above.

I hope your adventure in to the world of entertainment turns out to be a fruitful one, and remember that at the very minimum, there are always open arms waiting for you in the porn industry.

Sincerely,

jookyone